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A Former Video Game Widow's Tips
to get Your Man Away
from the Monitor and into Bed

by Mikki Halpin

Many of you ladies out there (and perhaps some of you men) are afraid of the Sparky section of STIM.
To you, it represents further timesuck that your significant other will spend touching the keyboard instead of you. Don't blame us.

Here's some ideas on how to redress the imbalance.

Find out

which MUDs and MOOs he frequents and seduce him online.

Out geek him:

secretly practice one of the games and then offer to play him. Kick his ass. Then offer to let him do something where you both win.

Be Machiavellian:

set up all his geeky friends with your single girlfriends so they won't be available for that Wednesday night role playing game.

Sneak dirty pictures

and erotic stories into his subscriptions to Video Gamer and Video Game Monthly.
Go to an automotive parts store and buy a rearview mirror. Stick it on his monitor. If he asks you what it's for, just smile. Later, when he's playing, take off all your clothes and sneak up behind him. Grab the joystick from the Sega and masturbate with it so he can see you in the mirror. Don't let him turn around until you're done.

Make an audio tape of game sounds, with lots of grunts and explosions. Go out to the circuit breaker and turn off the power to the rooms where the games are. Take a hot, steamy bubble bath with the tape playing. Eventually, he will find his way to the bathroom and know what to do. This is especially good because it has the Pavlovian element of teaching him to associate the game sounds with sex, and you can gradually reprogram him.

While he's at work, cover the interior of the house with plastic wrap and tinfoil. Put a sign on the front door announcing that his home has been transformed into ICEMAZE IV. Make up a few rules for the game to make it seem authentic. Put on your Barbarella gear, hide behind an icefloe, and ambush him when he walks in. The key to this game is not to end up in bed immediately: make the game last a while. For him, this is foreplay.
Remember, never ever admit that you consider the computer to be a rival. You don't want to make him choose or feel threatened. If it's one thing boys have learned from playing Doom, it's to shoot first, ask questions later. Instead, use the computer in your own way, and he'll never be the wiser.    </end>

Illustrations by Georgia