by Mikki Halpin
Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Let me tell you, life as a skanky chick isn't all it's cracked up to be. All the ironic postmodern sexual power in the world can't make most boys perform up to code. A really skanky friend of mine dated a guy who said, "I can't believe I'm seeing a girl with a thumb ring!" The jury is out on whether he will get to see the piercing and the tattoos, but I wouldn't bet on it. So, just to show you how the other half lives, I provide for you a taxonomy of the modern male.



DANGEROUS GUYS

The Dangerous Guy is the one who makes you swoon, lights your smokes and is on fire in the wit and sex appeal departments, but is only available in two-to-three hour increments. Whether the issue is his ego, his job, his desire to carve another notch in the bedpost, or his unhappy childhood, this guy will take you to Paradise and then leave you there, high and dry.

A SUBSET of the Dangerous Guy is the Rebound Guy. He will cry on your shoulder about how misunderstood and hurt he is in his current or recent relationship, while you construct castles in the air about how much better for him YOU are. But you are doomed to be the Rebound Chick, and he will expect you to be as understanding when he leaves you as you were when he left her.

Identifying Signs
  • Sexy.
  • Afraid of intimacy.
  • Often smokes.


Passive/Aggresive Rating
  • Very high.


Best Used For
  • One night stands.




MISFITS

The Misfit appeals to the Florence Nightingale in us all. You will find yourself adjusting your halo as you glow about being the-only-one-who-understands-him. When your friends wonder why he is more interested in scavenging wheelchairs from the Salvation Army than he is in them, you will sigh with impatience—they just don't get it. Be ready to spend long hours in coffee shops listening to his conspiracy theories.

Identifying Signs
  • Skulks.
  • Has a rich fantasy life..


Passive/Aggresive Rating
  • This is the guy most likely to accuse you of acting like his mother. And he will be right.


Best Used For
  • Amusing anecdotes when you are over him.




THE INTELLECTUAL GUY

The Intellectual Guy is somewhere between the misfit and the dangerous guy. Because of his intellect, he may have been somewhat socially hampered during those important formative years. This often results in either moments where he displays either embarassing gratitude (a sure passion-killer), or subtle resentment and an extreme Madonna/Whore complex. Sex with the Intellectual Guy isn't usually as exciting as it is with the Dangerous Guy, but it's nowhere near as bad as the Misfit. Often a good partner for S/M or B/D games—they like to memorize the rules.

Identifying Signs
  • Usually works at home.
  • Pale.


Passive/Aggresive Rating
  • High, but at least he'll contextualize it.


Best Used For
  • Getting through grad school.




FORBIDDEN FRUIT

The guy you can't have, but who constantly tantalizes you: your roommate, your boss or your best friend. But boys have small minds; once you are in buddy territory it is hard for them to think of you in any other way. A carefully planned romantic move on your part will probably result in shock and confusion on his. And even if he does reciprocate, when the inevitable romantic shit hits the fan, you will continue to be trapped with this person in your life, uneasily staring at one another across the abyss of misunderstanding.

A SUBSET of the Forbidden Guy is the Taken Guy. Depending on your morals, this may or may not be a problem. If the girlfriend is a friend of yours, you're probably going to stay away. If she's not, you can try to get him away from her, but beware that even if you are waiting in the wings, he will be a Rebound Guy for a while (SEE Rebound Guy).

Identifying Signs
  • Incredibly sweet and charming.
  • Unavailable.


Passive/Aggresive Rating
  • Though the Forbidden Guy may well be extremely passive aggressive, you will be blind to it while you pine for him. Once dating is achieved, however, these tendencies will become immediately apparent.


Best Used For
  • Unrequited crushes




THE DOORMAT

The Doormat is a sad case. Generally a guy you like just as a friend, but who worships you. In times of need, it's hard not to respond to this, but you may find yourself in a situation where you are the Dangerous Girl and you have to break his heart. The Doormat usually has lots of Doormat Chicks after him that he's not interested—he wants the spice he himself lacks.

Identifying Signs
  • Has no life of his own.
  • Wet kisser.


Passive/Aggresive Rating
  • Are you kidding?


Best Used For
  • Making yourself feel better.


collage by Greg Kuchmek

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