by Mike Albo

Before infotainment and exertainment and whatever, in like 1985, all the leading ladies from prime-time soaps came out with beauty books and saturated the airwaves to promote them. I remember all of their tips:Linda Grey suggests taking an everyday rolling pin and rolling it on your fat thighs to compress the cells. Donna Mills says, apply a bottom layer of wet makeup over your other makeup to deepen the color and then you, too, can get those insane psycho peacock eyes. When Joan Collins runs out of moisturizer, she simply uses vaseline on her face. When she runs out of vaseline, she uses everyday cooking oil, and if she runs out of cooking oil, she simply uses some butter. She just slathers it on her face. Mmmmmmm. Elizabeth Taylor eats sensibly all week and saves one day, Monday, to stuff herself silly with whatever she wants. Victoria Principal allows herself to have one chocolate chip cookie on Christmas Eve. At every meal, Morgan Fairchild takes the food on her plate and divides it in half; then she takes that half and divides it in half; then she takes that half and divides it in half; then she takes that half and divides it in half, and she then eats that half.

Stars are so disciplined!

My friend Bill's stepfather's son once got his stomach stapled, but he just kept on eating and popped the staples right out. My friend Greg's aunt, Linda Swanson, got her jaw wired shut like Tammy on "Real World L.A" so she would eat less, and she was doing really well for a while, drinking sensible Slim Fast shakes at every meal, until one day she just flew off the handle and beat together raw cookie dough, and stuffed it into the gaps of her teeth!

I suppose the only real beauty secret you need to know is Zsa Zsa Gabor's. In her beauty book she says that the most important beauty secret is to be perfectly, deliciously, and completely in love!

Fuck you, Zsa Zsa.   </end>


MIKE ALBO is a writer/performer who lives in Brooklyn. He wrote Diary of a Kombucha in the June issue of STIM.

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