sparky

by Mikki Halpin

I want Data for my boyfriend. I won't have to worry any more about falling in love with someone's potential—he has infinite potential! It's just a matter of RAM, I'm sure.


You all know Data's life story—created by Doctor Soong on the ill-fated planet Omicron Theta, then abandoned when the colony was destroyed. Before they fled, Dr. Soong and his wife implanted the memories of all the colonists into Data's matrix. Like a computer, he is the perfect storage device. I won't be forgetting people's birthdays with Data as my boyfriend!

     


Discuss Data Even though Data doesn't have emotions, he does have creative gifts. His mother made sure his father endowed Data with them so that he would be able to express himself. Data paints and plays music! Finally I can have an artiste boyfriend who won't whine to me about his muse, take drugs to fit in with the other rock stars, or forget to eat because he's in the studio.

Data has a cat. Everyone knows that boys with cats rule.


Data has minimal biological functionality. So he won't ever complain about being hungry and he won't get fat. He has a respiratory system and a pulse in his positronic matrix, so he's still good to cuddle with. He can grow his hair if he wants to—if styles change, he won't lag behind.



Data knows what it's like to be from a dysfunctional family. His brother, Lore, is kind of a bad seed (Get it? "Data," "Lore"—ha!). Lore is a kind of pre-twelve-step Android, and is always running off to join the Borg, or trying to reprogram Data. But Data always works things out in the end, and he still feels connected to his brother.


     


Data loves his mother! He thought she had died when Omicron Theta was destroyed, but one time the Enterprise made a voyage to an archeological dig, and his mother was there! Data couldn't understand how this had happened, until he realized the woman was an android. Dr. Soong created her after Data's real mother died because the doctor was so lonely. But unlike Data, his mother didn't know she was an android. Data debated whether he should tell her. He thought that if he did, he could alleviate the incredible loneliness he felt at being the only sentient android he'd ever encountered. But then he realized that he would be sentencing her to the sense of otherness that he has always endured. So he didn't tell her. Data is compassionate.



Data isn't a rigid, follow-the-rules kind of guy. He had to attend a special hearing just to join Starfleet. He sticks up for himself! He violated the Prime Directive once, becoming pen pals with the sender of a sub-space message. Starfleet was angry, but this friendship later enabled the Enterprise to save his pal's planet when it was in danger.




Data wants to have kids! Once he created a little girl named Lal. She self-destructed after two weeks, but newer versions should improve. We can make the children to suit ourselves and I won't have to give birth.


     

Data wants to have a girlfriend. Back when he was still sowing his wild oats, he had a one-night stand with Tasha Yar. She's just the kind of racy girl your first time should be with. Then he experimented with dating Jenna D'Sora. A lot of people think this didn't work out because Data was unresponsive, but I say duh, she was totally on the rebound from Lieutenant Sarkin! Rebound relationships never work out. Data was the perfect rebound boyfriend—he showed her that there was nowhere to go but up, he reaffirmed her attractiveness, and he listened to her.



Data is fully functional. He never gets tired. Enough said.   </end>

Photo of Lieutenant Commander Data © 1996 Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
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