Ask the Shark!
by The Shark

Every month, our sharp in house lawyer answers YOUR questions about YOUR rights. The Shark is a high-powered $650 per hour "domestic relations contracts lawyer" specializing in men's rights and international trade, here to answer several of the most common questions regarding YOUR LEGAL RIGHTS when purchasing a mail order bride.



CONSUMER REPORTS

Dear Shark

I've been checking out these ads in "American Spectator" and on the web and stuff about buying a wife in the former Soviet republics or the Philipines. I have to admit, I'm more than intrigued. But I don't want to get ripped off. Hell, for that I could marry an American woman! How can I tell if any of these businesses are legitimate?

Signed,

Don't Want to get Burned


Dear Flameout:

First, you're right to be concerned. There are a lot of rip-off artists advertising "mail order brides" these days. Ever since geeks like you saw Terry Nichols' wife being paraded around by the FBI after the Oklahoma City bombing, losers have been climbing all over each other for discount seats to Manila and Moscow.

Before you buy, know your rights. Let's face it, statistics show that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. For most of us, a wife is the biggest investment of our lives. You want to make sure you can send her back! You want to make sure she's merchantable and fit for the ordinary purpose(s) for which she's used. You want to make sure the goods conform to your order, pal.

Here's the law on "goods":

"Merchantable" goods, according to the Uniform Commercial Code (UCC), Section 2- 314, must be (a) passable in quality under the description in the contract; (b) if and what are wives if not must be of fair average quality, at least as described in your contract; (c) be fit for the ordinary purposes for which wives are used; (d) (quoting now) "run, within the variations permitted by the [contract], of even kind"; (e) are adequately contained, packaged, and labeled as the contract requires; and (f) conform to the promises or affirmations of fact made on the container or label, if any.

Under the UCC, the merchant is charged with special knowledge. He is supposed to know what to look for. Therefore, when a "merchant" sells one of his stable to another "merchant," it's caveat emptor.

But you losers luck out here. A person making an isolated sale of goods is not a "merchant" within the meaning of the Code. Unless defects in the goods are disclosed, or readily apparent, there is an implied warranty.

Remember that. And get any specific promises in writing.

That will be $7,000.

The Shark



RETURN POLICY?

Dear Mr. Shark,

I ordered my wife from a multinational company and didn't notice until after our honeymoon that she was the wrong color. It didn't bother me until we got home from Cancun where everybody looks like that, but my friends and I are of a devout Christian Order which prescribes death as the penalty for mongrelization of the races. What are my rights? Can I send her back?

This morning there was a dead cat on the porch of our cabin and I'm really afraid we're going to get kicked out of our compound.

Signed,

I love her but I love my buddies more!



Dear Honky Rat Bastard Gun Nut,

Some "Christian" you are. Sheesh.Anyway, to answer your question, ordinarily, non-conforming goods must be returned to the merchant intact within 30 days. So if you've already been on your honeymoon, it probably doesn't make any difference whether it's been less than 30 days by the time you read this. I'm assuming that you have at least one hair on your atrophied balls, she's not "intact."

Never fear: whatever your religion, civil divorce is obtainable in this country, if you can bring yourself to recognize the legitimacy of the county and state government and courts, and if you live long enough. My advice is to separate immediately.

You do have a right to complain to the company that sold you the non-conforming goods (aka "Your Wife"); in fact, you should complain. They screwed up and put both of your lives in danger. Acceptance of any improper delivery or payment does not prejudice the aggrieved party's right to demand adequate assurance of future performance. Give them a chance to make up their mistake, even though you were probably drunk when she arrived. They'll probably give you a break on the next one to avoid the bad publicity.

That will be $2,000.



USED MERCHANDISE?

Dear Mr. Shark,

Only after our wedding night did I notice that my wife had a weird squiggly tattoo on her rear end. I took a picture of it. A friend of mine who went to the Army Language School at Monterey back in the 70s thinks it says "PROPERTY OF GYORGI" in Russian or something! Now I'm scared some mafiya-type dude's going to ventilate me with a Kalashnikov, chop me into pieces, put me in trash bags and bury me in a landfill on Staten Island.

What should I do?

Love her, but love my life more



Dear Not So Savvy Shopper

See the letter, above. "PROPERTY OF GYORGI," probably constitutes a "label" or a "promise or affirmation of fact on the container." You're pretty fucked. Even though the used product you purchased was marked as such, it was a bad faith transaction. You had a right to inspect the goods and have the label translated before accepting delivery.

But sometimes a good lawyer advises his client to avoid litigation. That's what is happening here. Don't even try to get your money back . Run away, NOW.

Grab your life savings, change your name, and hide out forever, living on subminimum wage jobs that pay in cash at the end of the day. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for a million bucks. Heck, I keep that much in the bedroom closet. You're in trouble, man.

No charge for this one.

The Shark.   </end>