Bathing Suits That Help Hide Figure Flaws!
by Dakota Smith

How did this bathing suits are bad myth ever get started? Ladies, no matter what your figure, there's a bathing suit to flatter, fix, and forgive those genetic flaws. Some of these suits are so flattering, you'll want to wear them around town!

String Bikini

The String Bikini
Made famous by those gun-toting Charlie's Angels and braid-headed Bo Derek, the string bikini emerges as this seasons de ja vu.

BEST FOR:
The girl who looks like a "10"
The overweight girl who drinks before noon and loves attention.

TIPS FOR THIS SUIT:
Avoid trampoline jumping. Freak accidental hanging of self and/or others may result. But encourage others to jump and act cheerful from afar.

The Skirt Suit

The Skirt Suit
Mom looked like a floral tent in this suit but who says you have to? Our spies at the runway shows promise this streamlined, updated classic will be the hit of the Hamptons!

BEST FOR:
If you're pear-shaped (we're sorry), a flippy skirt will add a touch a ballerina femininity to those tree-trunk thighs.

TIPS FOR THIS SUIT:
The bottom-heavy girl always needs some help: STIM suggests a hardcover James Michner book, preferably "Hawaii", carried at the hip as camouflage.

At dusk, book can be used as charming drink tray to carry cocktails back to beach.

Remember, pear-shaped women should never, ever eat pears in public: very bad.

The Cut-Out Suit

The Cut-Out Suit
Fashion illiterate friends may think sandfleas have attacked, but you know that the cut-out look is all the rage. The only suit to wear to Helmut Newton's pool party.

BEST FOR:
Surprisingly, for the girl with an extra bit of tummy. STIM's secret? A less expensive gut-stapling procedure: fold fatty parts behind fabric, pull tight and secure with ducktape. A flat, smooth stomach will appear in uncovered areas. We even tested this trick on our new intern by feeding her a large pizza, a six-pack of beer, five packs of Ring Dings; then we suited her up after taping her down. She looked terrific!

TIPS FOR THIS SUIT:
Apres-sun, those tan lines may have you look like you've been vacationing at Chernobyl. Apply self-tanner cleverly, or hire tailor to fashion summer wardrobe along lines of tan.

Boy-Cut Suit

Bot-Cut Suit
Sporty shorts on the beach? STIM says this suit may replace the phone as your best friend! We love this bottom cover-up, especially for those prone to the occasional zit on the ass (fess up, girls!)

BEST FOR:
A sporty suit calls for sporty body.

Test your athletic IQ.

Question: What's a "gym"?

  1. Place with machines and mirrors you go to after work.
  2. That creepy guy you dated once and who keeps calling.

Key: If you answered "b", then you know how to fake it the fit look.

TIPS FOR THIS SUIT:
Know difference between Bjorn and Dijon.

Name drop: Make remarks about hanging out with Brooke and "Ag", shopping with Gabrielle, miniature golf with Tig.

The Metallic Suit

The Metallic Suit
Remember Dance Fever, Solid Gold and coke mirrors? Anything reflective and shiny is big this year, especially on the beach.

BEST FOR:
Shiny might be big, but you can't be to wear this suit. Strictly a look for the petite girl. Hearty types who wear this suit on a sunny day will cause reflective rays to bounce and temporarily blind others. There is a risk of starting a fire. Embarrassing!

TIPS FOR THIS SUIT:
STIM has dubbed this suit "Bait": Dipping in ocean is a sure way to attract sharks, killer whales, and delusionsal fisherman, as a flash of the metallic fabric may be mistaken for shiny fishing lure or overgrown minnow. Avoid water like the finicky cat you are, girl!   <end>